Little Roller Skates

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat

The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.”

God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!”

Reward for Goodness

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!” The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!”

God’s Diet Plan

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery…..

And Satan created HMOs…

Results

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York .”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,

“Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven .”

Now it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,

“Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven .”

“Just a minute,” says the priest. “That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?”

“Results,” shrugged Saint Peter………..

“While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed.”

Fidel Castro

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, “No hay problema, I’ll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.”

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, “My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we’re already getting refugees!”

Heaven

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.

“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?” “Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”

“Well, then, where are you?”

“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”

The Price For Being Good

Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, “However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven”.

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, “I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her”. So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, “I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her.” He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, “I cheated on my wife alot”. He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, “Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!” and the man sobbed, “My wife just went by on roller skates”.

Before You Meet God

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, “Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you — we’ve looked at your life, and your really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!”

“I’m impressed,” St. Peter responded, “When did this happen?”

“About two minutes ago,” came the reply.

Taxi Driver

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

Heaven is Full

God summons St. Peter and says, “St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high-profile candidates waiting at the Gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I’m going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You’ll have to go and decide who is most suitable.”

St. Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace, and Princess Diana waiting for him. He says, “I’m afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you should be admitted to Heaven.”

Freddie Mercury says, “I’ve been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I’ll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better.”

Gianni Versace says, “I was Earth’s greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions — long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better.”

Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, “OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!”

Freddie and Gianni are mortified. “What’s going on here?” Freddie cries. “We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don’t!”

St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Sorry, guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day.”

A Cat in Heaven

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven.

St. Peter says, “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”

Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”

St. Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”

Next a group of mice appeared.

St. Peter: “Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”

The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate. It was beautiful and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?”

St. Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”

Next day, St. Peter is making rounds inside the Gates and sees the cat.

“Well, Cat…did you enjoy the satin pillow?”

Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say….that “Meals-on-Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

Praying and Sleeping

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.

Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

It’s All Free

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It`s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”. Peter`s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don`t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, “That`s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren`t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

After Life

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

“Mary… Mary….”

“Is that you Fred?”

“Yes, I have come back like we agreed.”

“What is it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. ”

“Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.”

“Hell no, I’m a rabbit in Kansas.”

Three Guys in Heaven

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”

The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, “How long were you married?” He answered, “24 years.” “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, St. Peter asked. The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times … but you said I was forgiven.” St. Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”

The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out.” St. Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Lincoln.”

The third guy walked up and said, “St. Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!” St. Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, “I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!”

Fruit Picking

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realized that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The frist step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So they thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits.

Chris came back first and said to the king. ” I brought ten apples.”

The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. The first apple went in… but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

Then John arrived and shows the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therfore he was also killed.

After a while Chris and John met in heaven. Then Chris asked John, ” Why did you laugh?, you almost got away with it!”

Chris replied, ” I know, I couldn’t help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Keith showed up with all those watermelons!”